Ho Ho Holy Crap

The Holidays are upon us, the time of year where you continue to provide a reason to your friends and relatives to keep talking to you! But, as you no doubt know, love does not come cheaply unless you have a heap of alcohol. Thus, you are faced with two problems: alcohol is an inappropriate gift to give anyone except your editor and one your two areas of expertise are fantasy books and Diwali decorations.

Fortunately for you, I don't think of myself as just a violent, angry man whose thoughts you read in anticipation of the day I finally snap, I think of myself as your friend. Thusly, I am bringing to you, in this very post...

Sam Sykes' Fantasy Book Holiday Buyer's Guide for Misanthropes and Felons

So! What fantasy book do you buy for people? Well, let's take it family member by family member...

For your weird uncle who has flashbacks to a war that has never happened...

A tough sell! What do you buy a guy who has entertained thoughts of smothering you with a pillow? Such a gift must be one to stay his hand. Why not try Best Served Cold by Joe Abercrombie? I will not lie to you: Abercrombie is a terrible man and a horse thief, but he is an excellent author and this book is probably his best yet. Filled to the brim with violence, intrigue and possible incest, it is the perfect gift to give a family member!

For your mother who sometimes stares at you for a long time and then sighs...

Clearly, you're going to want a book that is so fantastic and joyous that your mother will stop questioning why she had you and start questioning why she didn't have you sooner! Something perhaps a little light on murder and sexual promiscuity...I'll be frank with you, here, though, I haven't read a lot of books that feature this. Clearly, the best way to go is the opposite direction and get The Steel Remains by Richard K. Morgan (the "K" stands for "Kay," I'm told).

For your strange cousin who you once caught talking to the blender and you swore you'd never tell but oh lord it's just so weird...

Weird, deadpan and surprisingly philosophical perfectly describes one of my favorite urban fantasy authors: Mike Carey and his Felix Castor novels that begin with The Devil You Know. This book is excellent for anyone who finds regular noir to be lacking in paranoiac zombies and regular urban fantasy to be lacking in complex moral issues regarding whether or not it's right to kill a demon with a tin whistle.

For your sister who is wondering if there is life after Dumbledore...

Harry Potter junkies are notoriously hard to shop for. They've read the books, seen the movies and stolen a lock of Alan Rickman's hair already, so what else is there to do beyond stealing a snowy owl and facing the prison charge? Well, it all depends on what you want from them...

If you want them to hate you...

Try Lev Grossman's The Magicians. Don't be fooled, it's an excellent book, but it's pretty free of the innocence, wonder and mystery (replaced with sex, drugs and bestiality...or is it bestiality if it's shapeshifted consenting fox sex?) At any rate, definitely good for those who like a bit of philosophy in their magic school stories.

If you want them to like you...

Then look no further than what is quickly being described as the Potter for adults: The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss. With a lot of wonder and awkward teenage courtship going on, it's got pretty much everything the maturing fantasy reader could want!

Incidentally, what with this being the time of year where people desperately try to relieve the crushing weight of their guilt by donating to charity, please check out Rothfuss' blog for details on giving to his sponsored charity: Worldbuilders and Heifer International. He's done an immense amount putting his newfound fame to work for the needy, so why not invest a little money in a good deed? If you're not too late, you can get prizes, a general good feeling, and I can personally guarantee you that he will give you a big, furry hug or I will hit him with a crowbar (when you belong to the same publishing house, you can't press charges of threats of violence, this is law). Do keep in mind, though, there is a rumor that his beard eats faces. Consider it carefully when choosing to embrace the beast.

And finally, for that special someone who privately wonders what the noises coming from your basement are...

The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch (his website isn't loading for me and holy crap have you never heard of google, sheesh) is pretty much one of the best books I've ever read. I'm loathe to call it the everyman's fantasy for fear of diminishing how cool it is, but it is quite appealing to all demographics from children with colorful vocabularies to mafia hitmen.

And that concludes this year's edition! In all seriousness, this guide is pretty much crafted to suggest both some of my favorite books and some fantasy books that are pretty accessible to everyone, no matter how much they've read.

As for me, I will be buying my family prints from my favorite webcomic: Beartato (also known as Nedroid). All gifts send a message and this is one is specifically crafted to be deeply confusing.

Also, I'm not a shill for Amazon.com (see! I didn't link them!), but that is a pretty easy way to buy books, yo.

Happy Holidays! Sleep with one eye open!